"You're used to people yelling at you, aren't you?" This statement struck me like a lightning bolt and I almost started crying. I almost wish I could have cried, it felt like I really needed to cry to just get it all out.
I look at all the drama in my life, all the problems I create in my life. The calls I don't return, the emails I don't read, the conversations I avoid. This is all tied to my fear that I think at any moment I will be yelled at and rejected.
How do I move past 35 years of being the abused little girl? I mean, I really thought I had moved past being a victim! But it was an ah-ha moment. It was like scenes of my life flashed before my eyes. That is it. That is the THING.
I am eight years old dreading when my mom comes home because she is going to he'll at or hit me. I am nine years old, cowering afraid because the police had to be called because the neighbor boy tried to rape me. I look at my son and my daughter and wonder, now would I EVER be mad at them for calling the police for such a thing. I also wonder, why the he'll was I left home alone,
I am 14 years old, I'm being held against my will by Iranian hashish dealers (seriously) and my brother calls me a whore an says it's what I deserve when I manage to reach a phone and call for help. I am fifteen years old being followed home by a pedophile who is trying to grab me and pull me in his car, when I get home I am told, "great idiot....now he knows where we live."
Nothing has ever been safe for me, no one has ever protected me, and it has always been my fault.
As a dear friend used to tell me, "it is clear you came by this honestly." but....now what? How do I move past this? What new tape do I play in my head to stop the constant self-beatings?
I am continuing to parent myself in the same way that my mother parented me. That is the revelation. I need to become a better parent to Lisa.
What a revelation! Things have to change from this point. Our identity and programming is engrained in our early years but it isn't unchangeable. You know how to be a good parent, my goodness you've been given enough examples of how not to parent! I really do feel for you, but you are incredibly strong, you wouldn't be here now if you weren't. Once you do parent yourself like you parent your lovely children, and are 100% on 'your' side, you'll be the best cared for kid (and adult Lisa) around! I can't tell you how pleased I am for you, it's 'such' an important realisation. Sending lots of love and positivity your way x
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