I’ve been pretty dark the past few weeks. Is it depression? Exhaustion? Is it the Bi-Polar, the Alcoholism? I don’t know. All I know is that every day is a challenge to get through. I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown anytime I have to get out of bed.
I really f-ing hate that I can’t just be normal. That I am NOT happy joyous and free right now. It feels to me like I am a BAD PERSON because I have to deal with BiPolar II.
I am defective.
I am less than.
I am not good.
I am a loser.
So, there is nothing really to write about, because I am dark.
I got on my knees today and just prayed that I could make it through the day.
I go to work, no one really notices that I’m totally f-ed up. Perhaps a little grumpy…a little on edge. Maybe scattered? What I am really feeling is a ball of panic welling inside my gut, it is so fierce, I am dizzy.
I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday that I have to cancel because I double booked, and have a meeting that I cannot cancel. I am too afraid to call the doctor because I keep cancelling. Because I keep double booking. Because my job does not care if I am healthy. I am an EXECUTIVE dammit. I need to be at work, at my desk OR ELSE.
So, this is the ugly.
January is over....there may be some hope in that?
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, you are more important than you are giving yourself credit for. Are you subconsciously overbooking or is it work scheduling things for you after the appt. Is made? If it is work booking after the appt, use your voice. It is important way down deep that your voice be heard.
ReplyDeleteYou wouldn't call your bestfriend damaged or a loser would you?
Be good to you! You are loved! You matter! You make a difference!
Xoxo
you need to remember that you should come first. nothing and no-one else. certainly not your work. but i understand the feeling. it cripples, paralyzes, completely tires one out. hang in there. and then try to do one little thing every day that brings you pleasure, makes you feel better, and who knows... you just may. thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI know that fear. I know it well. If I can say anything it is that it is okay to feel shitty. So often when we express this fear (especially when it is related to mental illness, I have depression, anxiety, PTSD) the knee jerk reaction is for people to say. "Think positive" "it will be okay".....Personally, I find it helpful when someone says, "hell yes you feel afraid, hell yes you feel like a freak"....The biggest challenge that those of us with mental illness face is when to know it is the illness and when to know it is actually an emotion that is related to life feeling crappy. I.E. being in a bad marriage or hating your job or something.
ReplyDeleteFor now, I would say, just be afraid, know you have the right to feel shitty and at the same time (this may sound hypocritical) don't ADD to it by beating yourself up.
Even normal people feel like total hell sometimes. :)