| I can't shake off my funk. I woke up last night in the middle of the night think with a start, "Oh my God...you're getting so fat." My next thought was that something needs to change. I don't know what I need to change. I've been studying Judiasm, and they have a tradition of giving someone a new name when they need a tremendous life change. I started searching for a new name and found the name Ahuva, meaning beloved. The name resonated with me because right now I feel so unloveable. This too shall pass. (On a side note, its not my norm to post such downer thoughts, especially in succession. However, given where I am in my life right now, it's either be honest about where I am, or be silent. In the past I've always been silent until I've worked through my depression. But, perhaps both are just as valuable.) |
...rather stay honest and express your feelings. sending you love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteI hear me from my past when I read you. When I think of what changed it for me, it was when I realised that I was so supportive of my child and everyone else around me, and SO hard on myself. It clicked one day that if I expected to be loved and be able to love myself I MUST treat myself with as much care. Imagining myself as my own child did it for me. Whenever my self talk started, I'd stop. I knew I would NEVER put that amount of pressure on her or anyone else. Strange that it took me thinking about myself in that way for me to ease up on myself. When I started to do this, things did begin to change and now when I look back to that girl trying So hard to be 'normal' and 'everything' else she thought she 'should' be, I can't believe I let her go through all that 'on her own' for so long! I'm here for her now like I am for my daughter. I'm sure you're the best mum ever, I really do hope you can give yourself the love you deserve very soon x
ReplyDeleteOh, what Deborah said resonates truth throughout each line.
ReplyDeleteQuestion for you, what would you tell your best friend or your child right now?
And, while you are finding your way through the funk, is it okay for us to support you and let you know that you are doing some serious work that most people don't get through very easily?
I'm thinking your ability to give your thoughts, feelings and funk this voice is an incredible gift.
In the meantime, you can never get to a point so low that God doesn't love you . . . just the way you are.