...But This is Now

I find it hard to admit that a part of my psyche still perceives me as a mistake. When you are a relatively successful mother with almost 18-years of sobriety, you should be “well,” or at least better.  However, for the past several years my life has been unraveling. Slowly, my self-esteem began to tank, my relationship with God began to fade, and I found myself another drone in the American Dream rat race.

A family member committed suicide, my health has declined, work has been stressful, and life has seemed like one blow after another of bad luck. All those many years ago, when I climbed out of the gutter there was a feeling that propelled me, a feeling that I was meant for greater things, that I had to pull myself up and overcome the odds because God had better plans.

Now I am here, living right in the middle of God’s plan for me. On the outside, I have all the trappings of a successful American life and I should be so very grateful. I am grateful. I will repeat...I am very grateful.

There are moments that I cannot believe that the girl who came from the ghetto, ran the streets as a teenage runaway, and finished her teen years as a ward of the State of California, is now living in a quiet gated-community with her two blond gorgeous children, her silver SUV, and her successful job.

My laundry hasn’t been put away in a week and is in a pile in my bedroom floor. I chain smoke like a junkie.  The dishes are piled in my kitchen sink. I wake up each morning and trudge through the day, and fall to sleep each night exhausted. I have an unpaid parking ticket and blood-work I’ve put off for a month. For each of these shortcomings I feel ashamed, afraid to let people come over to see my messy house, afraid I’ll be pulled over and my car towed for my unpaid ticket, afraid that blood work will come back with a diagnosis of imminent death.

Yet I do nothing. I am busy, I say. I am stressed, I say. I am broke, I say.

The truth is I am stuck. I am lost. I keep searching every house only to have the inhabitants say, “She’s not here. The woman you’re looking for isn’t here.”


  1. I'm not sure I have any real words of advice that will help you. I wish I did. I guess, just take things one day at a time and never cease to count your blessings. Hopefully things will turn around soon.

    Cheers, Jenn

  2. I came here from BlogHer ... I haven't been in your exact shoes, obviously, but I do know the feeling of being stuck, trapped even. The words that got me through the worst of those times was the simple assurance that I wouldn't always feel the way I do right now. We can get so overwhelmed by circumstances and emotion that sometimes that is the only thing to hold onto: You won't always feel the way you do right now.

    Sending you strength for the journey and wishing you a measure of peace today...

    -- Alicia, penthaslist.blogspot.com

  3. My comment from your last blog applies equally here.
    In fact that comment can work every moment of your life even if you do perceive life in a negative way.

    Love n light

  4. I know a bit about being stuck, and I do hope you get unstuck. Hope NaBloPoMo serves as a conduit, or maybe it'll be something else. Life is forward motion, so find a current, and flow with it (from one fellow Californian to another)