Finding Who I Am

I was in a meeting today and someone mentioned how grateful she was that when she was in a meeting she could be herself. I felt so sad, because I haven't been able to be myself anywhere in so long.

Why is that?

Its funny how when you're working on something all the tools you need keep showing up in your path. Everything I've been reading has been about finding your true self. It started with The Wisdom to Know the Difference. Then it was The Tao of Pooh. Today's daily meditation from In The Rooms was all about finding your true self.

I have so many demands on me all the time. Work, Children, Husband, School. I have a list of "to-do's" running through my head and I always feel like I come up short. I never realized how codependent I am. I figured codependents were always really good at taking care of others – and that I couldn't be codependent because I'm lousy at it.

But the problem with codependency is that nothing is ever good enough. I work and go and go and work trying to please others. I am desperate for a "good job" and devastated at any criticism. No wonder I don't know who I am. All I am is a slave to the opinion of others.

If a gun was to my head right now, with an existential maniac shouting "WHO ARE YOU REALLY?" I would have no answer.

Who I Am is in that "still, small voice". A voice that used to resonate within me. Then came children, a job, school, financial despair, death, depression. The still, small voice has been drowned out by the ceaseless demands of the expectations of others. Expectations that are not their fault – but expectations that I will never be able to live up to.

All I can do is tell the Universe that I am ready to listen.

I am desperate to hear.

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