The Ugly

I’ve been pretty dark the past few weeks. Is it depression? Exhaustion? Is it the Bi-Polar, the Alcoholism?

I don’t know. All I know is that every day is a challenge to get through. I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown anytime I have to get out of bed.

I really f-ing hate that I can’t  just be normal. That I am NOT happy joyous and free right now. It feels to me like I am a BAD PERSON because I have to deal with BiPolar II.

I am defective.

I am less than.

I am not good.

I am a loser.

So, there is nothing really to write about, because I am dark.

I got on my knees today and just prayed that I could make it through the day.

I go to work, no one really notices that I’m totally f-ed up. Perhaps a little grumpy…a little on edge. Maybe scattered? What I am really feeling is a ball of panic welling inside my gut, it is so fierce, I am dizzy.

I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday that I have to cancel because I double booked, and have a meeting that I cannot cancel. I am too afraid to call the doctor because I keep cancelling. Because I keep double booking. Because my job does not care if I am healthy. I am an EXECUTIVE dammit.  I need to be at work, at my desk OR ELSE.

So, this is the ugly.

Reaching Out

I'm a really bad at reaching out for help. So bad, that my sponsor has given me a list of people I have to ask for help. I REALLY don't think that I need to help from these people, because I KNOW what I need to do. PRIDE tries to stop me from asking for help from anyone. I'm really embarrassed at how strong my pride is, and how loud it is.

I have never been good at letting people into my life. The few close friends I have are friends because they were persistent in getting to know me; they literally wouldn't take no for an answer. I don't know how to make friends.

Part of the problem is this embarrassing little problem I have call BiPolar II. Most of the time I can "seem like the "life of the party" -- making jokes, taking an intense interest in other people and activities, and infecting others with their positive mood" (Web MD, 2010.) But, when I'm "blue" I withdraw and isolate. Then friends wonder why I won't call them back. My family gives up on me.

I try so hard to fight it. And, it comes down to this…I am realizing right now in this very second. I don't want to reach out for help because then, when I slip away for a month or two…be it in euphoria or depression – people don't understand. They call me a flake. I hurt their feelings. I guess I have found it better to just be alone.

So, I'm going to spend a week reaching out, even though it is almost physically painful for me to do so. With blogging, I can stop for a while and no one cares or notices. In real life, I become accountable to be present…and sometimes it is very difficult.

Photo from artview.com

Angry

salvador dali

I had one of those really icky dreams last night. The kind where you wake up feeling a pit in your stomach, grateful it wasn't real…but still can't shake the feeling.

The last few days I've been in a funk. OK, the last week.

So What? Now What?

Modern psychology seems focused on finding the root of our problems, the WHY of our behavior. This is important, because it helps us recognized patterns in our life.

Do I know why I spend all day isolating in my room?

I did so because I felt exhausted, tired, depressed, and worthless.

This too shall pass.

I wrote two posts this week that were deeply personal and gut-wrenchingly honest. They were well read. I received many comments. I felt exposed.

Feeling exposed made me want to isolate and hide.

So, I gave myself a day. I spent this evening reflecting on the WHY –the ROOT.

Now I have to ask myself, "SO WHAT? NOW WHAT?!?"

That has been the little phrase that has kept me going for years. So what…things happen. The feelings I have I came by honestly. Are those feelings going to run my life?

Absolutely NOT. I go to bed with a strong decision that tomorrow I will tackle all the things that I was hiding from today. A little bit at a time. With a smile, and the knowledge that GOD COULD AND WOULD IF HE WERE SOUGHT.

And I will remember, that I can be as miserable as I choose to be – or as happy as I choose to be.

The choice is mine. So, now what?

Magpie Tales

I’m not supposed to talk about depression, about the heavy weight that tugs upon me. 

We are well. We are strong. We are just…fine.

So I crawl into my bed. Very sleepy.

I say.

Just tired. Run down.

But the covers do not hide me from myself.

Sleep does not make it go away.

My perceptions are distorted.  Twisted.

And it takes me a while to see past.

And it takes a while to see past it.

It takes a while.




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The Unseen Path

God has carved a path for me; I just cannot see it from where I stand.

At The Bottom

The financial pain my family has been suffering keeps getting exponentially worse. Our house is in foreclosure, I’m being sued for $20,000 in medical bills, and because of the foreclosure and medical bills, I am now being denied my student loans.

I’m a little overwhelmed. I also decided, however, that I should view this as an opportunity to get my financial life in order. I guess the other option is to end up homeless.

Staying optimistic is the challenge. God Could and Would if He were Sought.

These are results of my decisions over the past year and a half. Fear-based decisions, self-will run riot. I’m not a victim of any of this, and one step at a time, with a lot of prayer, this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

Out of Commission

This time I was out of commission for two and a half months. I'm almost back and ready to blog again.