Discipline Checklist

I've been feeling the discipline slipping out of my life. I go through these peaks and valleys always, but I don't want to go to the valley this time.

I've been struggling a lot with discipline in my eating. I know that I can quickly slip into compulsive eating habits, and all the signs are there. Forgetting to eat. Not taking the time to prepare my meals the day before. Grabbing thoughtlessly for food. Late night foraging.

I will admit, the 25 pounds I have lost are a great incentive. But what I am MORE afraid of than gaining back the weight (and I am frightened of that) I am MORE afraid of going back to the place in my mind where I obsessed over every calorie, loathed myself for every bite, and let my mind be consumed with a soundtrack of self berating.

So, today I am reminding myself what I know about self-discipline.

1. Self-nurturing is an absolute priority.
   
2. A good night's sleep is critical.
   
3. Calling someone who can empathize and being utterly honest is a must.
   
4. I don't have to believe what my compulsive thoughts tell me.
   
5. The anxiety of not giving into an urge will pass.
   
6. The energy it takes to force myself to do something I don't want to do (i.e., prepare a healthy meal) is less than the energy it takes to get down on myself. Not to mention the physical energy I lack when I don't eat healthy.
   
7. Falling back into the "old ways" starts with a series of small decisions that are easily rationalized.
   
8. Turning my will and my life over to my HP means turning my THOUGHTS over to a higher way of thinking. This means I have to create new mantras.
   
9. Reaching out and helping another gets me out of myself.
   
10. That I can be restored to sanity…there is hope.
    

Joyously Uncomfortable

The odds are, if you're reading this, you are procrastinating something.

In fact, I am currently procrastinating on a project to write this blog on procrastination.

Procrastination, for me, happens for a lot of different reasons. The main culprit is FEAR. Fear I'll do it wrong. Fear I'll look stupid. Fear I am stupid.

Angry

salvador dali

I had one of those really icky dreams last night. The kind where you wake up feeling a pit in your stomach, grateful it wasn't real…but still can't shake the feeling.

The last few days I've been in a funk. OK, the last week.

So What? Now What?

Modern psychology seems focused on finding the root of our problems, the WHY of our behavior. This is important, because it helps us recognized patterns in our life.

Do I know why I spend all day isolating in my room?

I did so because I felt exhausted, tired, depressed, and worthless.

This too shall pass.

I wrote two posts this week that were deeply personal and gut-wrenchingly honest. They were well read. I received many comments. I felt exposed.

Feeling exposed made me want to isolate and hide.

So, I gave myself a day. I spent this evening reflecting on the WHY –the ROOT.

Now I have to ask myself, "SO WHAT? NOW WHAT?!?"

That has been the little phrase that has kept me going for years. So what…things happen. The feelings I have I came by honestly. Are those feelings going to run my life?

Absolutely NOT. I go to bed with a strong decision that tomorrow I will tackle all the things that I was hiding from today. A little bit at a time. With a smile, and the knowledge that GOD COULD AND WOULD IF HE WERE SOUGHT.

And I will remember, that I can be as miserable as I choose to be – or as happy as I choose to be.

The choice is mine. So, now what?

Financial Fourth Step

$20,000 in medical bills have forced me into bankruptcy, and a fearless and searching moral inventory. Never before have I so understood "fearless and searching."

At The Bottom

The financial pain my family has been suffering keeps getting exponentially worse. Our house is in foreclosure, I’m being sued for $20,000 in medical bills, and because of the foreclosure and medical bills, I am now being denied my student loans.

I’m a little overwhelmed. I also decided, however, that I should view this as an opportunity to get my financial life in order. I guess the other option is to end up homeless.

Staying optimistic is the challenge. God Could and Would if He were Sought.

These are results of my decisions over the past year and a half. Fear-based decisions, self-will run riot. I’m not a victim of any of this, and one step at a time, with a lot of prayer, this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

Out of Commission

This time I was out of commission for two and a half months. I'm almost back and ready to blog again.