Hello

It's hard to face all your fears, systematically...one by one.
But each fear faced is a fear erased.

Face Everything And Recover.

Financial Fifth Step almost done.

To Do List

I'm sitting here thinking of all the things I want to be different in 2011. I believe you must have a vision of your life to affect change, so I have a laundry list of things I want to be better.

It's overwhelming.

Completely.

I don't even know where to start. I need to get my financial house in order after my husband has been unemployed for a year, plus medical bills, we're on shaky ground.

I want to lose weight. For months, I had great momentum, but now I'm faltering…standing still.

I want more energy. The only thing that will help me have more energy is to get more exercise, but its hard to do when you feel exhausted all the time. My doctor wanted me to get some blood tests three months ago and I still haven't gone in to get them.

So, in praying about these things, the answer I have heard is, "Seek first the kingdom of heaven."

That if I put my spiritual path before all things, everything else will fall into place.

My vision for 2011 is that I grow closer in my relationship of God As I Understand Him. This is a lot different than probably you understand God. I was at a meeting last week and I hear d quite a few people talk about "Coming to believe that a power greater than yourself could restore you to sanity." To believe in this power greater than yourself you must first make a start. That start means picking some power greater than yourself, even if it means a group of people whose insight you trust.

I heard many people whose recovery and spirituality I honor talk about making a list in early recovery of what they wanted their God to be, and deciding then, that their Higher Power is that. In my years of sobriety my list has gotten long, some things have been crossed off, some have been added, some have been taken for granted.

The first "to do" for 2011 is to make a list of what my Higher Power is so I can focus on improving my relationship God.

I'm looking forward to it!

More Grace

Oftentimes it feels as if we are stuck, that we grind away at the same set of character defects and wonder if it will ever NOT feel like a struggle.

There are a few character defects that seem stuck to me like glue. Procrastination. Sloth. Sugar. To name but a few.

I read self-help books, talk to others, journal, bang my head against the wall. After so much time, it feels like I should be able just to shake these defects off like an old, worn coat. However, it is not that easy. It takes daily diligence. Constant growth. Then, I begin to wonder…will it ever REALLY change?

Today I went to a meeting a heard a woman's story that reminded me about the Grace of God. We come into recovery so broken and we cannot even imagine a different life. When I first came to AA, I was angry, violent, foul-mouthed, and so full of shame. My future was bleak; my soul was a empty chasm.

Through the 12-Steps we are given an opportunity to transform. We give up, surrender absolutely. We clean house. We examine ourselves honestly, lovingly, and ask God to remove the defects of character that defeat us. Then, it is when we seek to repair the damage those defects have cause to others and ourselves, we feel the grace of God wash through us.

Pause for a moment. Think of a time your righted a wrong, that you made a loving amends. That weight that you felt life from your shoulders was the grace of God.

Here are some of my thoughts on the various definitions of GRACE (found HERE)

"An allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable." – What a powerful way to think of grace! That there are debts to be paid for my actions, but I am given grace when they come due…a reprieve.

"Freely given, unmerited favor from God" – We cannot earn grace, buy grace, learn grace…we are given grace, as gift.

"Elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action." – What a beautiful thought! That God's grace gives of elegance and beauty. That when we humbly ask for and receive God's grace we are made beautiful…from the inside out.

Finally, the origin of the word grace is GRATUS, which is ultimately GRATITUDE.

Need I say more?

Self-Restraint

"…when we approach AA's Step Ten we commence to put our AA way of living to practical use, day by day, in fair weather or foul. Then comes the acid test: can we stay sober, keep in emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions?"

I have been working on a financial fourth step, but ignoring my spiritual, daily tenth step in the process. I sometimes feel so tired at the end of the day, I forget, or ignore, this daily reflection. However, it is so important that we take a few minutes each day to center ourselves, connect with our spirituality, and exam what we did well, and what we could do better each day.

Here is why it is so important for me.

First, I tend to rerun the screw up in my head over...and over...and over…and I never actually gain any useful perspective. Second, I never take the time to honor what I am doing well in my life.

Each week I pick a spiritual focus in my life, and this week it's about Step Ten (and for you non-AA readers: "Step Ten, Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

There are myriad of spiritual ideals that we reflect on each day, but I will focus on one at a time. The first is: Did I practice self restraint?

AA 12x12, p 91 "Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint.

Self-restraint is important, especially right now as I'm dealing with setting boundaries and creating more balance in my life. Not only must I ask myself;

• Did I act hastily or rashly?
  
• Did I make any snap judgments?
  
• Did I restrain myself in both tongue and pen?
  
• Did I avoid quick tempered criticism and furious power-driven argument?
  
• The same goes for sulking and silent scorn.
  

"These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is side step traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic."

For me, restraint is not only about not bursting out with anger, criticism, and judgment; but also about pausing before I say YES or let someone walk all over my boundaries.

I did some journaling on these points today, then meditated for clarity on how to improve this area of my life. I'm already out of the funk that I was starting to slip into!


 

 

Love Song to Alcoholism

For some reason when I listen to this song I think of alcoholism...troubles...depression. Things I have worked to overcome.  It's such a beautiful song, and music video...I thought I would share.

Balance

I am beginning to learn a little bit more about balance; and how boundaries play an important role in having balance in your life.

Work has been very demanding on me lately. It's not because I'm a workaholic. It's not because I've been mismanaging my time. It is because we have a huge project due on Wednesday, and we have to finish… even if it takes ten hours a day, six days a week.


Usually I spend my time feeling desperately guilty when my work is so demanding. That it's my fault. That I have to apologize to the world. I also expect the same amount of time and effort in every other area of my life.

This is a physical and mental impossibility. There is only so much time in a day. There are only so many hours I can be awake. There is only so much mental fortitude I can apply before I am exhausted.

So, balance is about giving yourself some grace. Understanding that to give time and effort in one area, you must take time and effort from another. Balance is about honoring what you're taking from and making sure you give back when you can. This week, I am required to be of service to my employer. When the project is done, I must give back to my family and myself.

Boundaries are important because they protect me from the guilt. I cannot change what is right now. I don't need to beat myself up about it. I need to honor myself and maintain my conscious contact with my HP to make sure that I am accepting the things I cannot change, having the courage to change the things I can…and not the other way around.

(P.S.) When I originally wrote this the sentence "I must give back to myself and my family" and then I changed it to be "my family and myself." Is that co-dependent?

Pause

we measure time

as it ticks away

counting down

what was

we measure time

as what lies ahead

wondering what shall be

but each moment

before another ticks away

there is a breathless stop

a pause 

this is now

another Magpie Tale

I See The Path

It is amazing when all of the theories, ideas, insights and practices you've been working on in your life finally converge and REAL CHANGE happens!

I have been really focused on reaching out. It started with this blog…blogging again after months of being Out of Commission. I started tentatively, knowing that God Could and Would if He were Sought.

Then, as I started digging into myself (and another Fourth Step) and realized that I had a lot of fear and codependency issues.

So, I made the commitment to reach out…and today I really felt my life making it over the hump.

The culmination was really very simple.

Lately, work has been crazy. We've been working like crazy on the BUDGET, which is a daunting, all consuming task. As some of us are locked in our office, pouring over financials, the employees have felt the extra workload and the lack of one-on-one attention.

Everyone is on edge. I've been owning EVERYONE'S stress, and not asking for help. Today I imagined a Teflon bubble of love around me, where the negativity other's bounced off of me. At the same time, I was able to reach out (i.e., delegate) in a way that helped me, and expanded the knowledge of others.

I realized I was beginning to see the framework for healthy relationships and a healthy sense of self. Perhaps not life changing, but a huge step in the right direction.

I also realized, that all the STUFF that I PROCRASTINATE on is so overwhelming because every aspect of my life is filled with the demands of others. I take no time to take care of myself and the business in my personal life that needs attending.

So far to go. 

But I'm at the crossroad where I see the path before me, and can't wait to trudge the road.

Stolen Thoughts

"Boundaries are basically about limiting unacceptable behavior. Understanding how to set up and maintain healthy boundaries is a key factor in addressing what are sometimes called the Four M's of codependency, namely


 

 

managing, mothering, manipulation and martyrdom."

 

 

Recovery Thoughts from ChitownGreg

 

Book Club?

"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior." Bookmark p36

 
I think one of my base problems is codependency. I've thought this for a while, but had a sponsor tell me to worry about other things first. However, I feel that the "other problems" are exacerbated or even symptoms of my codependency.

I remember years ago being in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic who was a manic-depressive. For five years he controlled my life with the threat, "If you ever leave me I'll kill myself." I used the book, "Codependent No More" to get out of that relationship.

"That's that!" I thought. "I'm cured!" Hardly.

Reading one book and leaving one relationship doesn't make cure me of codependency.

I find now that I have let codependency control my work and personal life, and I can't wait to gain insight by re-reading a book that helped me so much, many years ago.

There are a few blog readers that I'm really hoping will read this book with me, and participate in my little online book club. Who knows if it will work! Nonetheless, I thought it was an idea worth a try.

Even if you're not an alcoholic and your life hasn't been affected by an alcoholic, you still may be codependent. I invite you to read some of the stories and see if you relate.

Click here to read the book and leave a comment.

Standing In Front Of The Train

A "situation" happened this week, that I don't think I should describe specifically because, although I hope I have maintained my anonymity on this blog…better safe than sorry when it comes to other people's business.

But I'm sick about it. I'm not sure where my bullshit ends and the other person's begins. However, they made some decisions out of the situation that will surely hurt them in the end, and I don't really know how much I should do to stop the derailed train, or let things take their course.

I can be super codependent.

"Codependency is about focusing on, taking care of, and fixing others. Recovery is about focusing on and taking care of me, and being supportive of others." (coda.org)

I don't often know what to do to take care of myself. I finally got a new sponsor. One I think will be supportive and nurturing, which is what I really need in this time of my life. Its one thing I can do to take care of myself in sobriety.

"Codependency is about chaos, excitement, obsession, intensity, extremes and feeling overwhelmed. Recovery is about moderation, balance, detachment, peace, and serenity." (coda.org)

Detachment is also a difficult concept for me. I'm working on it and I'll let you know how it goes!

Reaching Out

I'm a really bad at reaching out for help. So bad, that my sponsor has given me a list of people I have to ask for help. I REALLY don't think that I need to help from these people, because I KNOW what I need to do. PRIDE tries to stop me from asking for help from anyone. I'm really embarrassed at how strong my pride is, and how loud it is.

I have never been good at letting people into my life. The few close friends I have are friends because they were persistent in getting to know me; they literally wouldn't take no for an answer. I don't know how to make friends.

Part of the problem is this embarrassing little problem I have call BiPolar II. Most of the time I can "seem like the "life of the party" -- making jokes, taking an intense interest in other people and activities, and infecting others with their positive mood" (Web MD, 2010.) But, when I'm "blue" I withdraw and isolate. Then friends wonder why I won't call them back. My family gives up on me.

I try so hard to fight it. And, it comes down to this…I am realizing right now in this very second. I don't want to reach out for help because then, when I slip away for a month or two…be it in euphoria or depression – people don't understand. They call me a flake. I hurt their feelings. I guess I have found it better to just be alone.

So, I'm going to spend a week reaching out, even though it is almost physically painful for me to do so. With blogging, I can stop for a while and no one cares or notices. In real life, I become accountable to be present…and sometimes it is very difficult.

Photo from artview.com

Fear & Pride

For pride, leaving to self-justification, and always spurned by conscious or unconscious fears, is the breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block of true progress. Pride lures us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without perverting our misusing our God-given instincts for sex, security, and society becomes the sole object of our lives, then pride steps in to justify our excesses.

A Daily Reprieve

That's me. I'm the blond. I was 15-years-old, a runaway, and an alcoholic.

I went to a "young people's meeting" today, even though (to be candid) I am only youngish it brought back a flood of memories of being 16, sitting in a meeting, realizing I was totally screwed. Being an alcoholic was a death sentence…never another drink? Never another party?

My entire teenage life was ruined. Thank God I remembered, "Just for Today."

Because a day at a time I have grown into a woman, who understands that life is far richer when I am on a spiritual path of physical, spiritual, mental sobriety. At this young people's meeting, I remember sitting in that same room, around that same table, 17 years ago. I remember hearing a woman with four years of sobriety talk so gut-wrenchingly honest about the self-loathing that she felt. How, when she looked in the mirror, she saw the most disgusting, revolting human being.

I cannot express how happy this made me.

Not because I was glad she was suffering, but because at last someone else was signing my song. I was not alone in feeling worthless. I was not alone in my big huge bucket of self-loathing and shame.

Today my song is different. I can tell you it was like that. Some days, some moments, are still like that. But I get a daily reprieve from my suffering contingent on my spiritual condition.

Namaste.

Recovery Mommy

When you have children, and you wake up in the morning, and they have crawled into bed with you. Snuggled warmly against you, with their perfect, sleeping, angel faces just inches from yours – that is peace and joy only a parent will ever know.

Being a parent teaches you that its not always about YOU. That there are bigger problems than the person who pissed you off at work, than the guy who cut you off in traffic. There is homework to be done, baths to give, hugs to share, artwork to do, laughs to lose yourself in.

As a woman in recovery, it is difficult to balance my commitment to my children, and my commitment to a fellowship that saved my life, and gave me the tools to be a wonderful mother. We must learn that the hour we miss of time to go to a meeting or work with a newcomer, gives a more present, meaningful, precious hour with our families.

I struggle with this, because I don't want to spend one extra moment away from my children. Circumstances mean I have to work; a job that is beautifully flexible some days, and incredibly demanding on other days. But when I take the time to honor my recovery, I honor my family more.

This doesn't mean that my children are recovery orphans, which I have seen happen too many times over the years. It means that they are my priority, my gauge. When my daughter is telling me an amazing story about the story she read in school, and my son is singing me a song he learned in Mandarin class, and I can't pay attention because my mind is running at 100 miles an hour….it is time for a meeting.

When the house is a mess, and my children look like refugees…it's time for a meeting.

When we've eaten chicken and broccoli for the third day in a row because I'm exhausted, it's time for a meeting.

And after I honor my recovery, I come home to the world's best hugs and have a clearer perception.

Look at this. Look at these amazing beings. What a gift of recovery.

Ten Things I’ve Learned in Recovery, #10

The only thing wrong with the way you think is the way you think.

When I first came into the program I was told, "Whatever you think you should do, do the opposite." This became a philosophical conundrum, because at what point does that circular reason end?

When you first enter recovery, of any kind, the most powerful barrier is your mind, because it is broken. Your mind is broken, but you think it works just fine. Your mind tells you all sorts of things, "I'm not as bad as these people." "I never drank like that". It never tells you thoughts like, "Hmmm. If I was perfectly fine, than how the hell did I end up here?"

When I first came into recovery I was 16 years old, it was very easy to try to rationalize that I certainly wasn't as bad as these crusty, old men. For a while, I thought I was being brainwashed. Eventually I realized my mind could use some cleansing.

Now my destructive thoughts are much different. The thought of drinking doesn't cross my mind. But, my mind is still broken. My mind thinks that when I am right, that means something. My mind thinks that when I wrong, it's not that important. My mind thinks that whatever my mind thinks, is the most important, all consuming, righteous, wonderful brilliant thought of all time.

But my mind is wrong.

So, we learn, that when it comes to the mind, we can only know one thing for sure. Your mind is like a dangerous neighborhood and we should never go in there alone.

15 things

15 Things

Inspired by Pixie Polly Iwho made a list of 29 things she wanted to do for her 29^th birthday, I finally made my own list of 15 things I want to do before 16-years of sobriety.  

15 things I will do before my 16-year sobriety birthday.

Where to Find Serenity

At the meeting I went to today the topic was, "How do you find serenity?" This was a great topic considering the book I'm reading.

Higher Power

I'm reading a book called, The Wisdom to Know The Difference by Eileen Flanagan and it's such a great book.

My Life is Unmanageable

Step One

“Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives were unmanageable”