Sad Songs

I lived my life without a father. My “adopted” father took off when I was three, never to be seen again. In my late 20’s I sought a therapist to work on my “daddy issues” …until such time my therapist said, “You’re fine…you don’t need to see me anymore.”

Three weeks later I found my birth-father, quite by accident.

As we got to know one another, it was quite evident that I was not “fine” – there was still an immense amount of healing to be done. I didn’t know how to let him, he didn’t know how to include me in his full life. He was suspicious, I was wary.

In the end it just didn’t work. He doesn’t answer my phone calls. I quit returning his letters.

We were very different. It makes me sad still, that the fatherless child who felt rejected…was in fact really rejected. That is the danger of finding one’s birth parents.

On the other hand, I have been blessed with knowing my birth-mother and my wonderful brother and sister.

Anyhow, I was listening to Pandora today and heard this song. Our love of Keane was the only thing my father and I ever really had in common…this song makes me sad.

So Much Grace

God moves mountains.

On Thursday of last week, while I was home sick with the flu, someone came to my door and pulled the rug out from under me (as much as one can pull the rug figuratively and still be almost literal.) I had one week to move out of my house, zero money, zero prospects, a ton of fear.

One week later, I am moving into a brand new home (a huge upgrade) because the place showed up, the money showed up, the opportunities lined up, and I even have a plethora of friends willing to drop everything to help me move.

There is NO WAY this could happen without the intervention of a Power Greater Than Myself. God moved mountains – I simply remained present, calm, and open to receive Grace. I feel humbled by this experience.

The Power behind me is greater than the problems in front of me.

So grateful.

Thought for Today

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson - Return to Love

The Choice

In my last post, I wrote about living in the fourth dimension, a perceptual choice to view the world in love, rather than fear. When you make a conscious choice to PERCEIVE the world differently, you begin to see a world rich in miracles.

The above paragraph I wrote yesterday, today my life was completely turned upside down. I have two choices, to Fuck Everything And Run (FEAR) or to see this as a miracle that is taking me to a new phase of my life. It is easy to try to perceive GOD’s world when things are good, it is hard to perceive GOD’s world when things are uncertain.

When we enter the storm we must insist, absolutely, on focusing on the miracles – and not the package those miracles come wrapped in. We get to choose in each moment. Fear or Love. Fear or Love.

Sell-Out

What does it mean when you sell yourself out?

It means that you go against your truth. Sometimes we do this because we want to be nice; because we want people to like us. Sometimes, because we have not taken the time to find out what our truth is.

Sometimes selling yourself  is disguised as comprise.

But soon we find we are compromising ourselves.

I know my truth today.

I am worthy of protecting that truth.

Every New Beginning

I attended a satellite training seminar this week on managing change, and although these steps are meant for managing teams, I though they were so apropos for managing change in our life.

1. Every new beginning starts with something else ending.

2. It is important to define what is ending.

3. Understand who is losing what.

4. Anticipate resistance and anticipate grieving.

5. Treat the past with respect

6. Be empathetic to those who stand to lose something



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tiny Sparks of Light

A wise friend brought up the concept of objective reality to me today. A little bit more on that topic can be found here. Here is my dumbed down, and perhaps slightly incorrect synopsis of the idea:

Physicists found that observed energy behaves in a different way than unobserved energy. Matter constantly moves in and out of existence like a thought. There is no matter…it is only energy. If you have a few minutes, watch this:

So, imagine a vast universe, full of energy not yet made into matter. The minute you focus on a piece of this energy in the form of thought, it becomes more…focused.

During lunch today, I spent my time meditating in the unused breakroom at work. I quietly sat and imagined a vast, unlimited field of possibilities. I realized, I can choose at any moment where I focus my energy and what reality I live in. That is the power of perception.

I have also being studying the Jewish idea of “sparks”…little particles of energy – either positive or negative – that we attract to us and simultaneously put out into the world. I imagined thousands of tiny golden sparks being attracted to me, clingling to my body like a thousand drops of dew. These tiny sparks of golden light were love, were peace, where positive charges that protected me throughout the day like a million little guardian angels. (Which, by the way, is what Kabbalists equate these sparks too.)

There is no real point to this post, except to share this experience. And each day, as I add more nurturing and love into my life – the more at peace I feel.

A Little Self-Love

I have been focusing way too much on the negative things about myself, so today I am going to share some great blessings God has given my person.

1. I am a professional comedienne. You probably wouldn't have guessed by the mopey way I've been writing lately, but it's true. I've been doing Improv comedy (think Whose Line is it Anyways) for 13 years. At one point I was voted Redding's Best Comedienne (the town where I live) and my troupe has been performing to sell out crowds once a month for over a decade. Thank you God for this gift.

2.  I have a quick and brilliant mind. There are times when I am discouraged by the way my brain works, but 90% of the time it is quick, sharp, and brilliant. God has blessed me with a genius IQ and I am grateful for this gift.

3. I have an infectious laugh. I am known for my laugh. Sometimes teased, but I laugh all the time.

4. I am affectionate. I am a great motivator. I make a conscious effort to lift up those around me.

5. I am the Director of GSD, Get Shit Done. In my professional life I am organized and on top of it.

6. I am a loving mother and wife. My family knows they are loved, special, and safe.

For each positive thing I write I have to shut up the inner voice that says, Ya...but..." I spend enough time trying to weed out character defects, and not enough time celebrating ME.

My internet is back up, so I’ll be back to blogging now, and I have so much to share about the great the miracles in my life.

All Delighted People

Taking the suggestions of some of my readers, I have spent the week surrounding myself with positivity. In my office at work, I have some of my favorite tunes playing – those that just make me happy or inspired.

The most important thing about bringing more positivity in your life is to speak it and hear it.  Say positive things about yourself, about others, about your circumstances.

Walk and talk gratitude.

It is also important to HEAR positive things. Negativity / Depression becomes a State of Mind. It becomes a habit to see the negative in everything, including yourself.

I have value! I look at the scale and think that four or five pounds diminish my value (or increase it if the pounds diminish. Any mistake I make means I am a mistake. I hide from life.

My husband and I talked about hitting the RESET button on our lives. We have to consciously say, “Yes…it’s been a tough two years. Now its time to make to start over.”

So, I’m nurturing my inner-child, which the cynical, pratical side of me can barely stand to even write. But, I’m doing it anyways.

Now – your task! I want to know some of your favorite motivational song! Music is a great way to connect to positivity.

Here are a few of my favorites:

All Delighted People – Sufjan Stevens

Empire State of Mind – Alicia Keys

Watcha Waiting For – Gwen Stefani

Put Your Records On – Corrine Bailey Rae

I am surrounding myself with all things positive – so share some of yours with me.

Sacrifice

Just a quick thought for the day.

Thank you for the prayers…I could feel them, and it made me stronger to know I was not alone.

As I was praying about my sugar addiction, I had an image of Abraham willing to sacrifice his son. It made me think of how dear sugar is to me, and how it ultimately serves to separate me from God, because I turn to sugar for peace, instead of my Higher Power.

I imagined myself placing a bowl of refined sugar on an altar, and offering it to God as a sacrifice…so that I may grow closer to The Divine.

That is my offering; to take away my difficulties that I may better do Thy will.


 
Love,

Peaceful.

More Grace

Oftentimes it feels as if we are stuck, that we grind away at the same set of character defects and wonder if it will ever NOT feel like a struggle.

There are a few character defects that seem stuck to me like glue. Procrastination. Sloth. Sugar. To name but a few.

I read self-help books, talk to others, journal, bang my head against the wall. After so much time, it feels like I should be able just to shake these defects off like an old, worn coat. However, it is not that easy. It takes daily diligence. Constant growth. Then, I begin to wonder…will it ever REALLY change?

Today I went to a meeting a heard a woman's story that reminded me about the Grace of God. We come into recovery so broken and we cannot even imagine a different life. When I first came to AA, I was angry, violent, foul-mouthed, and so full of shame. My future was bleak; my soul was a empty chasm.

Through the 12-Steps we are given an opportunity to transform. We give up, surrender absolutely. We clean house. We examine ourselves honestly, lovingly, and ask God to remove the defects of character that defeat us. Then, it is when we seek to repair the damage those defects have cause to others and ourselves, we feel the grace of God wash through us.

Pause for a moment. Think of a time your righted a wrong, that you made a loving amends. That weight that you felt life from your shoulders was the grace of God.

Here are some of my thoughts on the various definitions of GRACE (found HERE)

"An allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable." – What a powerful way to think of grace! That there are debts to be paid for my actions, but I am given grace when they come due…a reprieve.

"Freely given, unmerited favor from God" – We cannot earn grace, buy grace, learn grace…we are given grace, as gift.

"Elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action." – What a beautiful thought! That God's grace gives of elegance and beauty. That when we humbly ask for and receive God's grace we are made beautiful…from the inside out.

Finally, the origin of the word grace is GRATUS, which is ultimately GRATITUDE.

Need I say more?

Grace

When I was a teenager, and "out there" I would play little bartering games with God. If you "do this"…I promise I'll never "do that" again. Then in recovery we are told that "everything happens for a reason" and when things go wrong we find the lesson we are supposed to learn. Unfortunately, that can become another game. "Please God, don't make this lesson so painful…I promise I'll do better."

I've been playing that game in my head. As I move on from my financial fourth step to my financial amends, I am worried. I am afraid. How painful will God make this lesson?

However, God doesn't make lessons painful. We do. And, this is how I understand the grace of God. By all accounts, the poor decisions I have made (i.e., ignoring the medical bill collectors when they call me) should come with repercussions. But I pray for, and believe in, God's Grace.

That is one of the lessons we learn from Step 9; God's Grace.

It wraps us in warmth; it delivers us from the bondage of self. It is no mistake that we find the Promises in Step 9.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.


 
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. (Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 83-84)